I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
