I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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