could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
