I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
