That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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