did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
