dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
