You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
