Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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