2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
