who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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