i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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