You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
