My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I think your dad took our porno
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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