I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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