I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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