You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
