I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
