I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
we should paint friendship bongs
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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