Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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