hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
