12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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