One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i now understand why vodka
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
