I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
