I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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