I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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