I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Randomize
