I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
