This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
