You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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