the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
