i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
