Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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