I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
