After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
