I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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