Your mouth is God's brothel.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
