Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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