He asked me if I "almost moaned"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
