Pappa wants mamma naked
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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