I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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