Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
