I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
