you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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