On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
