Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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