everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You ruined the universe
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
