I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
