He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
