Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
