the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
