The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
